Buffy Summers and the battle she can't win
by Xanderrocksthehouse
Summary: Just a one shot of pure craziness. Could technically be considered a crossover but there are two many characters to list. Wrote this 2 years ago but never published it. Just something fun and silly. I hope you all Enjoy it. To everyone I say Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. As usual Buffy belongs to JW and Mutant Enemy


"I don't get it Xander. It's like every monster, demon, vampire or general big nasty has folded up there tent and left Sunnydale."

"That's a good thing Buff I mean the town has gone quiet. Just less work for you to do."

"Xander when things go quiet in this town there is a reason." Xander walked with his friend till the end through the graveyard. He turned around walking backwards so he can face her. "I'm sure you are just being paranoid." The problem with walking back wards is your can't see what is in front of you and sure enough as he turned around he was knocked on his butt. Buffy recognized the loose flappy skinned demon and knew he was no threat.

"Clem? Where are you off to in such a hurry?" Clem offered a kindly smile and a hand to Xander offering to pull her up.

"Oh sorry Buddy I didn't see ya there." Xander took his hand and stood back to his feet. Clem looked behind him his eyes shifting all around as if he was looking out for someone. "Hey I wish I could stay but I gotta run." Buffy could see the quickly pack suit case in his hand. A sleeve of a shirt hung out the side She knew something was up.

"You are leaving Clem?"

"Oh uhm. You know just taking a vacation from the hell mouth." Xander knew what Buffy was thinking and asked before she could

"Where are you going?"

"New Jersey." Before Buffy could ask Clem took off running again. Xander looked at her.

"Something has to be up. If he's leaving the Hellmouth to go to somewhere worse like New Jersey then what ever is here has to be scary." Buffy skin crawled as she asked.

"There is something scarier then New Jersey."

"I guess so. What ever it is it's already here."

"I think it's time we find out what it is."

"Willy's place?"

"Let's go." They cut through the graveyard and walked in to the seedy demon bar. Most of the customers normally were vampires or demons but today it was empty. Xander shook his head looking around.

"Wow this place couldn't be any deader if the customers were killed brought back to life and killed again." Willie came from the back storage room. He heard the bell on the door and figured he had a customer. Willie's face had seen better days. Someone or something had punched him.

"Oh Slayer it's just you."

"Willie what the hell is going on?"

"What makes you think something is going on."

"Willie please don't make me beat you to get the answer."

"I wont' talk. Not this time. You can give me a black eye. You might even break a bone or two. If I talk I'm dead this time it's no joke." Xander shook his head.

"All the more reason to talk. This is the slayer. She can protect you."

"Not this time. This isn't like anything she's ever faced. It's a darkness and a danger she can't."

"Willie I've beaten a Hell God."

"This would send a Hell God running in fear." Buffy rolled her eyes.

"What are your other options? You going to let this thing keep beating on you until it kills you." Willie sighed shaking his head frustrated. He knew the slayer was right. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"It's not just one thing. There are a bunch of them. It's like a team or something." Xander looked at him confused. "A team?"

"I don't know what you call it. Maybe it's a cult. I know they have power like nothing you have ever seen I know they are strong and" Suddenly the door flew open banging loudly against the wall. Xander and Buffy spun around looking and what ever made the noise.

"Willie you got a big mouth. You know what they say about curiosity and cats." Buffy heard the voice but didn't see anything. Xander confused didn't see anything either. Willie lips started quivering in fear. A fear she had never seenon him. He begged for his life with everything he had.

"Oh please I'm sorry. I swear I won't say another word."

"It's too late for sorry Willie." Buffy took a closer look and there on the floor what she saw she couldn't believe. It was only a foot and a half tall at best. It looked like a Teddy Bear only it was green all over except for his stomach, which was white and had a green shamrock on his stomach. Xander turned to Buffy confused. He whispered.

"You are seeing what I'm seeing right. I mean we didn't just do a whole bunch of drugs and are imagining all of this?"

"I am right there with you Xander." The green bear stepped closer and in to the light. In his tiny paws he held a tiny baseball bat. The bear looked at Willie.

"I think it's time I make sure you don't talk to anyone ever again." Then a noise started real low. It was a single tapping on a window of the bar then another widow till every window was being rattled at once. On one of them the glass broke and another bear could be seen. This one similar to the other only he was blue and in the place of a shamrock was a storm cloud and rain drops. The building was completely surrounded by what ever the hell these things were. Buffy had enough. She walked to the tiny green menace.

"Okay that's enough. I don't know what the hell you are but all of this ends." She yanked the tiny green bear up and he hissed at her angry.

"Put me down you # $&ing &*#&$ sucker." Buffy's jaw dropped and hit the floor never had she heard such profanity from something so sweet.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?" The green bear sneered at her.

"No I kiss your mother with this mouth then your mom takes her mouth and" Buffy covered the bears mouth before he could finish. Xander pointed at him.

"Hey that's out of line. Joyce is a saint." The bear bit Buffy finger freeing his mouth.

"Shut up you *$&#! . I'll say what I want to say. You are right though her mom is a Saint compared to your mom. Last night I &#^$ed your mom in her &#" Xander covered his mouth hearing the bear talk that way about his mom.

"You are mean."

"Squirt some tears punk." Buffy had heard enough.

"Alright you asked for it I am going to put you over my knee." She turned the bear over ready to spank him when she noticed the red heart shape mark on his butt. Just as she was about to start a barrage of color stormed through the door. Every color bear you could imagine was on the loose. It was a rainbow of Bears each one had a different pattern on is stomach. Some of them ran at Buffy. Some of them ran at Xander and a few charged Willie. Xander started kicking them punching sending the little piles of cute against the wall. Willie started throwing bottles of booze at them. Buffy was doing fairly well but with no end in sight she knew then needed to run.

"Willie time to abandon ship." With word from the slayer he hopped over the bar. Xander picked up a bar stool and started swinging it like a golf club sweeping a path between them and the door. Finally they ran with Willie close behind.

They ran till they were completely free of the bar. When they were a far enough distance they thought they were safe Xander stopped at looked at the two of them.

"I think we are clear." Buffy saw one of the purple bears that had hitchhiked a ride on Xanders leg. He had his body wrapped around the leg and was rubbing up and down against him. The bear obviously trying to get his rocks off. Buffy pointed to his leg.

"Ah Xander you got a straggler." Xander looked down and saw the bear listening to what he was saying as the bear molested his leg.

"You like that you filthy #*$ # don't you. You like it when my #(*%$ is inside of you" Repulsed by this Xander grabbed him pulling him.

"My leg is not your girlfriend." Outraged he grabbed the bear ready to chuck him but Buffy grabbed his arm.

"Wait. We are taking him with us. He can give us information." Willie looked at them.

"That's it Slayer. I am out of here. You can have the bar. Do with it as you wish. I am moving somewhere safe like Detroit." Willie took off walking directly to the bus station using what ever money he had in his pocket to get him as far out of town as he could go.

Buffy turned her attention to the bear holding the purple bear by the scruff of his neck. She looked at the bear then to Xander "What would you suggest we do with this thing."

"Well lets take it to my place I should have some proper gear that we can use to subdue our little purple friend." The bear looked Buffy in the eyes.

"Why don't you and your friend subdue this." What followed next was a fart coming from the bear that would have knocked over a horse. Xander looked at the bear waving a hand in front of his face and coughing.

"Oh my God that is just awful" Buffy had a look of disgust on her face.

"Do that again puffy and I will start cutting pieces of you off and feeding them to you one at a time."

20 minutes later they were at Xander's place. Xander grabbed a roll of duct tape and started wrapping it around the bear. "Hey that is Fur don't Xander grabbed the duct tape putting it over his mouth silencing him once and for all. Buffy sighed relieved.

"Thank God I didn't think that thing would ever shut up."

"We got to call Giles "

"Call him? I think he has to see it himself if he is going to believe it"

"Do we bring him here?"

"No we'll take him to him in the mor" She was interrupted by a knock at the door She looked at Xander "You expecting someone?" Xander just shook his head and went over to the fireplace picking up the poker. As the opened the door it was yet another bear. This one was different. He wore red pants and a red shirt and a brown vest over the top. The bear motioned to his back pointing to something. Xander held the fireplace poker in place ready to attack if he moved. "I think he has something on his back Buff." She looked at the bear suspiciously.

"Try anything Bear and I'll kill you." She picked up the bear and turned him around. She could feel something hard and plastic on his back. She lifted the back of his shirt to find a post it and tape player in the bears back. The post head two words "Play me." She pushed the button and the bear turned to her.

"Thank you. My names Teddy Ruxpin and I want to be your friend." Xander still held the fire poker in hand

"Really?"

"No. Not really. I'm here to send you a message." The bear looked at Buffy. "If you would put me down now so we can talk." Buffy did as she asked but kept a close eye on him.

"So what is this some Teddy Bear army or something?" The Bear shook his head.

"What we are is little concern to you slayer. You are alive right now because of a loyalty felt to you by someone in a higher position then I."

"You know I am the Slayer."

"We know everything. What is coming you can not fight, you can not win. If you stand in our way you will be taken out." Xander shook his head.

"Stand in your way? What are you doing?"

"It is of no circumstance to you boy." Buffy looked at the bear not liking the way she was talking to her friend.

"Hey this is his house show him some respect."

"Thanks Buff"

"You said something about some one in a higher position. You don't want to kill me? Who is this someone?' Buffy looked at the Bear but he fell silent. He said nothing. "I have ways of making you talk." The bear motioned to his back again. Xander shook his head and put down the fire place poker He picked the bear up and turned him around.

"Just like I thought." He took out the tape and turned it around. "Time to change sides." Buffy shook her head thinking the whole thing was just bizarre.

"Okay so talk. Who is this person who won't kill me?"

"I don't know. I've heard it is someone you've slept with." Xander snapped his finger.

"It's Angel." Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Oh come on. You always want to blame Angel."

"Okay well lets see who else could it be?" Buffy suddenly turned red.

"I'm not comfortable having this conversation." Just then the squeals from the purple bear Xander duct taped could be heard. Teddy walked in to the room seeing the bear duct taped.

"I hate these guys. They give us bears a bad name." Xander looked at him.

"Hey he's our prisoner" thinking Teddy was going to let him go. Teddy put his hands up in a peaceful gesture.

"I just want to." He walked to the bear and grabbed his head spinning it around in one quick fluid motion snapping his neck. Buffy's jaw dropped.

"Bear on Bear violence is never good.' Teddy turned back to the door.

"This is your last warning Slayer. Next time we wont' be so nice." Xander grabbed him.

"You think we are going to let you walk out."

"Walking out was never on my agenda. This tape will self destruct in 5 seconds." Xander dropped the bear quickly and looked at Buffy as she opened the door and they both ran as fast as they could. They got out just in time to see the room enveloped in a fireball Xander looked at his house thrashed new sense of anger to his voice.

"Okay now I am pissed."

"This doesn't seem quite so funny anymore."

"Don't worry we are going to make all of them pay."

"We need to find them Buffy. Find them now and stop them from what ever they are going to unleash on this world." They started walking down the street towards Giles. "I think maybe we should call Angel. See if he's gone to the dark side again."

"You always want to blame Angel."

"Let's do the math here Buffy. It's someone you've had sex with."

Buffy's brow furrowed. "What about Parker? He is way more evil."

They just continued walking. "Angel is the most logical choice. Don't you remember the little puppet smile time fiasco."

Buffy opened her mouth ready to say something. Angel had done everything he could to keep that chapter of his life quiet from everyone. Spike had a big mouth though and told everyone about the adventures of puppet Angel. She sighed "So you think because Angel was a puppet he might be pulling the strings."

"There are four possible suspects Buffy. Unless you have some other fling you want to tell me about. If I was a betting man I'd put my money on Angel."

Buffy hated to admit it but there was a certain ammount of logic to it. "Fine when we get to Giles I say we call LA and see if we can figure any of this out."

A few minutes later Buffy opened Giles door walking in to the house. Xander followed in close behind. Xander called out looking for the old british libraian. "Giles we got a emergency on our hands."

There was no sign of him anywhere. Buffy walked in to the kitchen "Giles you here?" There was no response and Buffy suddenly started to get worried. "I don't like this Xander."

She opened Giles home office stepping inside. The leather office chair at Giles desk was facing the window. A strange voice suddenly called out from the chair as it slowly turned around. "I knew you would come to find your watcher." As the chair turned Buffy looked at a sock monkey sitting in the chair.

"Well at least you aren't a bear."

Xander stepped in to the room looking at the monkey. "Hey it's a sock monkey. I used to have a sock monkey."

The monkey closed his eyes and started rubbing his temples. "Yes I am well aware of Admiral Bananas."

Buffy turned to Xander "Admiral Bananas?"

"I found him on a play ground and took him home."

The sock monkey behind the desk shook his head. "You named him Admiral Bananas but he was actually known as Reginal Vandercott. He was from a long line of soldiers."

It was Xander's turn to look confused. "Really?"

"And he saw everything you did from his corner shelf in your room."

Xander gulped the lump in his throat "Everything?"

Buffy rolled her eyes agitated. "I don't care about a sock monkey Xander had. I want to know where my watcher is."

The monkey sat in the chair casually almost like he was a bond villan. "No harm has come to your watcher and none will if you keep your distance."

Buffy shook her head "I'm the slayer this is kind of my business."

The monkey shook his head "Our plan can not be stopped it has been since practically the beginning. "

Xander looked at the monkey. "What is the plan?"

The monkey stood up and walked past them. "That is of little concern to either of you."

Buffy grabbed the monkey angry. "I'm not letting you just walk away."

The monkey blinked his eyes. "You can choose to kill me but you should know the consequences to your watcher willl be dire."

Buffy shook in anger and dropped him. "This isn't over." With that the monkey walked out leaving them there.

Xander looked to Buffy sucking in a deep breath. "We have to go with our only lead."

Buffy nodded and knew he was right. She picked up Giles phone and dialed Angel's phone number in LA. As the ring tone rang out it stopped suddenly and the line went dead. Buffy pushed the reciever on the phone trying to get a signal. "The lines dead."

Xander reached in his pocket to take out his cell phone when the room suddenly started filling with gas from the vents. Xander turned around quickly grabbing for the door knob but someone from the other side pulled it shut and locked it.

"Buffy were" He coughed gasping for air. "trapped."

Buffy's feet suddenly felt like they were 1000 pounds each. She could barely move as she looked at Xander "We have to get out of" But it was to late both of them fell to the ground unconcious.

Hours later Buffy woke up on a cold floor in an abandoned warehouse. Xander was sprawled out on his back a few feet away. As Buffy woke up she quickly scanned the room and crawled over to Xander. She checked for his pulse and breathed a sigh of relief.

Just then a blinding spotlight shined on her as a booming voice called from an intercom. "You'll find your friend is alive and well. As your watcher is too. We have no intentions of making enemies of the slayer."

Buffy stood at her feet looking at the light. "You have a funny way of showing it."

"We told you to leave it be and 10 seconds later you picked up the phone to."

Buffy interupted "Damn it. Xander was right. When we called you at Angel's place you put the next phase of the plan in to place."

The booming voice laughed a taunting evil laugh. "You believe that I am that undead meat sack you called a former boyfriend."

"Angel or Angelus. What happened did you get your moment of pure happiness."

At this point Xander started to groan. He woke up starting to rub his temples. He heard the voice over the loudspeaker. "Buffy what is going on?" He pulled himself up to his feet.

Buffy sighed "I'm pretty sure Angel brought us here."

The voice called to both of them. "The time has come. You insist on interfearing in my plans I will deal with you personally." The light went off and the warehouse lights came up. Buffy looked around the empty warehouse and found an office. "I am just beyond the door."

Xander grabbed her arm steadying himself. "You sure you are ready for this?"

She offered no words just nodded as she started towards the door with Xander close behind. When they came to the door Buffy put her hand on the knob. "Ready or not."

Buffy opened the door and stepped inside. She saw nothing at first as the room was completely dark. Xander stepped in the room with her looking for a light switch before one could be found. The room filled with light.

Standing in the middle of the room was the mastermind behind all of this. He was a soft pink pig with a squiggley tail that Buffy recognized immidietly.

"MISTER GORDO!"

Xander stood there stunned. "Wait wait wait. This makes no sense. That horny little bear said this was one of Buffy's formers lovers."

The pig waddled around the room. He had a deeply german accent. "To the contrary my dear boy. The bear said it was someone Buffy had slept with."

Buffy suddenly realized. "He's right. Oh my god."

Xander looked at him still shocked. "But you are just a tiny stuffed pig."

Buffy looked at him hurt. "You are evil? All those years you comforted me and now I find I was sleeping with the enemy."

Xander shook his head "Yet another bad guy you've slept with."

Buffy rolled her eyes. "Not helping Xander."

The pig interupted the squabble. "I was chosen from the beginning little one. I was selected to watch and stand guard. I had been trained for eons and have the wisdom of the ages."

Xander again rubbed his head "But but you are a pig?"

Buffy angry stormed across the room she bent down picking up the pig. "I want to know what your plan is?"

"Unhand me. I will tell you what you desire." Buffy looked at him and set him on the metal desk as the pig sat. Xander pulled up a chair sitting as Buffy pulled one next to him. The pig looked at Buffy. "For generations my kind have controlled legions. We have done so with simple manipulation."

Xander sat back glaring at the pig. "What kind of manipulation?'

"Back in the day it was a lot harder. Pull the string on a doll and you get playful message. Some garbage saying something like let's be friends or I love you. What the children didn't hear was an underlayed message."

Buffy nodded getting it. "You put subliminal messages in the toys."

The pig laughed. "It's so much easier these days. Technology has made it so. You give your child a Tickle Me Elmo and the mindless will play with them for hours. Don't even get me started on Furby. Those non sensical ramblings eveything thought were so adoreable. It was breaking down there free will."

Xander shook his head not believeing it. "So you been implanting children with the idea they grow up in to adults and work your evil agenda."

Buffy stood up. "You don't really think this can work?"

The pig looked at her astonished. "My dear it is working. It has been working since practically the first gift was given. "

"Where is my watcher?"

Mister Gordo rolled his eyes. "Your watcher is safe and will be waking up shortly in a suite at the plaza. We needed him out of the way. We are not savages."

Xander stood up crossing his arms. "You know now that Buffy knows she's going to stop this."

Mister Gordo looked around the room. "This is just one of many many warehouses around the globe. We have our inventory and supply stocked and we will be on the shelves in time for the holiday season."

Buffy shook her head "No." She picked the pig up. "I'll tell the world of your plan."

Gordo laughed. "Tell them what? That a stuffed pig and his Teddy Bear army are really evil demons older then time itself."

Xander looked at Buffy "The way he says it does kind of make you sound insane."

Buffy shook her head "I don't know what I"

Gordo looked at her "You have lived as long as you have because I've allowed it. I have enjoyed your company but if you want an enemy." Suddenly the room started shaking and Xander looked out the office window. "BUFFY."

Suddenly the warehouse filled with the new Furbies to hit shelves in November were jumping out of there boxes and converging on the room.

Buffy looked at him "This ends tonight. This ends here."

Gordo snorted at her. "You foolish girl. You think destroying me will change anything. Another one will just rise up. There will always be another toy that parents will spend there money to silence the wretched children."

Suddenly the door buckled as Xander pushed his back to it trying to keep them out. "Running out of time here Buffy."

Buffy looked at Gordo. "Burn in hell PIG."

Mister Gordo looked at her with pleading eyes. "WAIT. You don't want to hurt me. As angry as you may be right now you need to think about all we have been through. When your parents divorced and you needed a hug I was your mother died and you needed comfort I was there. When Angel broke your heart and you thought you could never love again it was me who comforted you."

Buffy thought back and she had to give Mister Gordo his due. Every time she felt hurt she could count on him. He was her constant. She started to feel her eyes tear up.

Xander looked at Buffy pinning the door shut. "Buffy it's just a stuuffed pig."

"Oh Yeah." Buffy pulled at the stuffed pig as Gordo let out one final dealth squeel as stuffing and cotton ripped in her hands. Buffy dropped the now dead stuffed pig carcass. She looked at Xander. "We have to find a way out of here."

Xander opened the door to find the ware house was in full out war mode. Xander started running hoping to get to the door. He kicked Furby after Furby. Behind that was a way of Tickle me Elmos ready to stop them. Buffy swung punching all of them as they came flying at her.

Xander got an idea quickly running to the fork lift hopping in it. He stomped on the mechanical toys here the plastic crunch usder his toes. As the machine started he rolled forward and drove over to Buffy picking her up. She hopped on one of forks standing still swing and kicking.

Xander pointed to a field of Elmos blocking the entrance. Each of them held a bottle with a flaming rag in there hand. "Oh God it's Fire hurling elmo."

Buffy screamed out. "I AM SICK OF THESE STUPID TOYS." They started hurling the bottles at them starting the warehouse it self on fire. Xander just kept driving as Buffy grabbed a shovel off from the side of the fork lift. She swung the shovel like a a bat hitting the bottles back at the red battery operated monsters Xander looked at Buffy "Get Down NOW."She climbed on the roof of the fork lift and laid flat holding on to it as tight as she could. He floored the fork lift going directly through the aluminum bay doors.

They breathed fresh air and Buffy hopped down from the folk lift as Xander jumped out the side. "RUN BUFFY." The fork lift blocked the way out as the toys were stuck inside with the newly raging fire. Buffy and Xander kept running. Finally when they had enough distance they turned around watching as the entire warehouse slowly went up.

Xander hunched over breathing tired and exhausted he looked at himself. Aside from a sew simple scratches he and Buffy were both unharmed. "It's over."

Buffy looked at the fire burn and sighed "I wish I could believe that."

Buffy and Xander immidietly headed over to the plaza. They found Giles just about to leave. As Mister Gordo promised Giles was unharmed. Buffy and Xander tagteamed the story telling him everything from the fire hurling Elmo's to the Evil rainbow bear army.

Giles looked at Buffy and shook his head. "So your stuffed pig was a undercover spy working for the forces of darkness to brainwash the youth of America."

Buffy nodded "That is the long and short of it."

Xander nodded walking behin them. "So whats the plan. I mean big picture wise. We only have a few months till Christmas."

Buffy turned facing Xander "Hey were team Scooby together there is nothing we can't beat."

2 months later

Xander sat on the bench in the mall watching the Christmas shoppers carrying their bags. He ate his soft pretzel and as Buffy came out of Yonkers carrying another bag.

"So I have Giles gift bought."

Xander ate the last bite of the pretzel and picked up the bags he was carrying. "So what ever happened to that whole stopping Mister Gordo's plan. Furbies are selling like hotcakes this Christmas."

"Hey I haven't bought any toys. That's why I have insisted on a wardrobe enhancning Christamas."

"Yeah but."

"Xander look 's a war against commercialism and I'm pretty sure we lost."

Buffy sighed "Xander look around. Look at these people it's a battle we can't win."

"But we could." Just then a little child ran past Xander and to the toy store window.

The boy turned to his mother. His eyes ere wide in anticipation and a small trickle of drool rolled from the side of his mouth. "Mommy I want the FURBY." He picked the demo model as the Furby spit more giberish out at the little boy.

The mom just smiled. "If you are a good boy maybe Santa will bring it to you for Christmas."

Xander furrowed his brow. "Eh screw it we lost."

Buffy nodded as walked along side Xander. "Do you think this makes Santa like the head boss of all of this."

Xander shook his head "Just stop. I don't want to think about this anymore."

"That's the nice thing about shoes no evil shoes."

As Buffy and Xander walked down the mall a stitched up and damaged Mister Gordo watched from the floor above. His beady black button eyes focused on him. "Soon Slayer I will have my revenge and then I will. "He was interupted though as a janitor picked up the pig.

The janitor looked at the pig showing it to the other janitor. "I think someone left this behind."

"You going to turn it in to the lost and found?"

He shook his head and threw it in the trash can. "Nah it's pretty screwed up. Can't imagine anyone wanting it. Sorry Mister Pig but you will be meeting Mister Incinerator."


End file.
